Tribute to my brother
My dearest brother Ramesh,
I still can’t believe this. Is it an illusion or true? Did you really leave me? Today is day 12 since you departed from this world. It has not even been two weeks since I had a conversation with you. You wanted to know about Vipassana and asked me to tell Buddha’s story. Just after two days, I heard that you were admitted due to COVID. I called you as soon as you were admitted, and you said you are okay. I thought you were improving, and after a week, you were admitted to ICU. I did not lose my hope. I knew that you would get better treatment. For the next three days, I did not hear any news. I consoled myself that no news is good news. I heard that you were stable.
On June 14th, I heard that you were on the ventilator. Still, my hope was high as I knew that people often got ventilators who came out after 3 to 4 days. On June 15th evening, I got a call from my nephew that you had a cardiac arrest. Still, I did not lose my hope. I was told that people do revive after CPR, and the doctor asked us to wait for 40 minutes. I was hopeful. I knew you would not leave, and 45 minutes passed, and I did not hear from anyone, and I was relieved for a minute. Just 46th minute, I got a call that you left us. As I am writing this letter, I am still in denial.
Can you please walk with my memories? Are you listening? Do you remember the day when we lost our dad? You were ten, and I was seven years old. You always used to hold my hands and walk me to the school. In the evening, I used to wait for you to pick me up. You and I sometimes used to get ice cream on our way. Every day I insisted you come to the church. You patiently used to hold my hands and walked me inside the church. Sometimes you used to wait for me to burn the candle. I used to find a lot of peace inside the church. I remember giving you a candle too.
Remember, the most fun part was after getting home. I used to like junk food. You and I used to walk to the Saraswathi bakery. I don’t know how we got the money. I remember getting apple cake and chips. That was our favorite food. You used to eat fast, and I used to savor every bit. I knew you would ask or take it away from me. The only trick I had was to spit over gently so that you would leave me alone. What a nasty sister I was?
Do you recall this incident, when both of us went to an unknown reception party? We both got spanked from Sudhi. You were timid. I was more courageous than you. Oh man, there were so many such childhood memories. That silly boy became a big businessman. You, amma, and I had a gala time before our marriage. I had just finished college, and you had started the business, and we enjoyed going to movies and restaurants.
As we both grew into adulthood and got married in the same year. Our lives changed. You and Sudhi thanked Jai that your responsibilities were over. I was very naive. I needed to prove that I was the best sister. I thought the brother that once held my hands would not hold my hands anymore. I took different roles in my life. My roles kept changing from sister to sister-in-law, daughter to daughter-in-law, wife to mother. I always had roles to play. You and Sudhi commanded me to play the best roles. I struggled for approvals and played my roles beautifully. I think you have never got any complaints about me so far. I want to complain now. I never wanted you to unfold your responsibility. I am always your sister. I do not belong to anyone. Nothing has changed. Even after 32 years of marriage, I am still crying out loud that you left me. I have a wonderful son, husband, and daughter to be. But despite all these relations, you are still a part of me, my identity, and my experiences in life. I am not complete today. Some part of me is dead. I still want that brother to hold me and take me around. I know physically you can’t but promise me that you will keep me in your heart wherever you go. I will forever be your little sister.
